Does anyone even remember the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign or did I just age myself with the title of this blog post? For those of you who are too young to recall the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign I swear I’m a cool mom! Anyway, let’s dive right into today’s topic: breastfeeding. Or should I say nursing? I’m not sure why I prefer saying nursing over breastfeeding but I do. I think the term ‘breastfeeding’ is just too graphic for me. But I digress.
Breastfeeding is not for the faint of heart. My journey with breastfeeding has been long, beautiful, challenging, painful, and rewarding. When I was pregnant with Zoe I told myself that I wouldn’t put pressure on myself to breastfeed, I was already getting enough pressure from family/friends/society. But of course once my little munchkin arrived I was hellbent on nursing. I had absolutely no clue what I was even doing. I hadn’t done any research, read any books, or watched any educational videos. I hadn’t planned to wing it but Zoe came early and I was not prepared. Lucky for me Zoe was a little pro and showed me how it was done. He expertly latched on straight out of the womb and the rest was history. I remember the nurses coming by and congratulating me and I felt like a total fraud – I didn’t deserve any credit, Zoe did.
What I also remember was the immediate pain. No one warned me about the pain. How my nipples would feel raw and sensitive from the sucking. How my boobs would feel engorged if I didn’t express the milk. How my nipples would bleed if Zoe sucked too hard. Luckily the hospital I delivered at provided nipple cream; the cream and ice gave me relief in between feedings.
I had planned to stock up on infant formula at home in the event I couldn’t produce milk (which I highly recommend) but Zoe came over 3 weeks before his due date and I never got around to researching and ordering it. Fortunately for me I was able to produce milk. However, that doesn’t mean my breastfeeding journey was easy. From chapped nipples to mastitis, it was far from easy.
Ironically, just as I felt pressure to breastfeed, I’m now feeling pressure to stop. Zoe is now 25 months old and friends and family alike are gently questioning why I’m still nursing. I honestly don’t even know why I’m still committed to it. Partly because I don’t have the capacity to end it. I know there will be a lot of sleepless nights involving tears and tantrums when I deny Zoe of his beloved ‘milky’ and I’m just not ready for that. I simply don’t have the energy. I also appreciate the bond that I have with Zoe. It’s our special little time together. I’m not ready to let that go. What if I don’t have more children? Or what if I have another child and I’m unable to produce milk? I’m just not ready to give that up. Not to mention it’s a bulletproof weight loss program. It’s certainly better than any diet I’ve ever tried (and I’ve tried them all from Keto to Paleo). I can eat my little heart out (trust me, I have tested this theory) and still watch my waist shrink. I can finally skip Barry’s Bootcamp without the added guilt. Not that I would have time for a scheduled workout class anyway – those little luxuries are a thing of the past (at least for now until I can get my life in order). The extent of my cardio these days are chasing my son down the aisles of the local library (he’s become a flight risk).
I’m proud of myself for sticking to it. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been to the urgent care twice and hospitalized once all from mastitis yet here I am soldering on. Each time I sought medical help they had to give me multiple IV packs. Nursing is quite literally depleting.
I’m trying to not let societal pressures dictate what I do. 10 years from now I’m sure I won’t look back and think ‘I wish I hadn’t nursed Zoe for so long.’ But I’m sure had I given up early in my breastfeeding journey, I’d certainly think to myself ‘I wish I hadn’t dropped nursing at 2 months’…
My pregnant friend recently asked for advice on breastfeeding. She’s terrified she won’t be able to produce milk. But the reality is only 5-10% of women can’t produce milk. So don’t be deterred if you’re goal is to breastfeed. If you think about breastfeeding in terms of mammals, I’ve never heard of a specie going extinct because of their inability to produce milk.
After all isn’t nursing the most natural thing? Although at times it can certainly feel unnatural. In the beginning when visitors came over to meet Zoe and he would cry they would immediately hand him over to me saying ‘oh he’s hungry.’ I distinctly recall feeling like a wet nurse or a cow (or both). I also remember feeling so awkward and nervous those first few months when I had to breastfeed in public. I’d try hide it as much as possible. I would step out during parties with friends or events with family and what I realized is that I was simply missing out on so many moments so I decided to just nurse in public and what I noticed is no one really cares.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve in this blog post – usually I have a goal in mind but today I just needed to vent a little. If anything I hope I encouraged you to embark or continue on your breastfeeding journey! Thank you for listening and if you’re breastfeeding I recognize how hard it is: latch issues, inverted nipples, tongue ties, self doubt, etc. You are doing great! You’re strong! You’re resilient! You’re powerful!
Below are items that I found useful for nursing:
Electric breast pump – I choose the Spectra S1 Plus Pump because I heard it wasn’t painful to use and it has a rechargeable battery so you can pump almost anywhere (I know someone who pumped in the car on her way to/from work but I won’t name names). I got most of the pump subsidized by my medical insurance so check with your insurance before purchasing!
Manual pump and milk collector – the Haaka Pump and Ladybug Milk Collectors are essential for breastfeeding (I ordered 2 of each). The Haaka pump is a manual pump. The ladybugs are useful milk collectors. Also these products are BPA, PVC and phthalate-free
Nipple Cream – I used the Lansinoh Lanolin Nipple Cream for no other reason than it was what the hospital provided and it seemed to be sufficient so I continued to purchase that particular brand
Breast Milk Storage Bags – there are so many of these breast milk storage bags on the market. While this is a fairly inexpensive purchase I would still do research as some reviews I read had leakage issues and the last thing you want is losing precious drops of milk (you’ll be saving every drop as if it was holy water). I purchased the Medela Breast Milk Storage Bags (6oz) and had no issues
Bottles – we ordered a bunch of different bottles but the ones that worked best for us was the Medela Slow Flow (something else that you will learn is that bottle tips vary in the strength of the flow of the milk)
Drying rack – we got the Boon Grass Countertop Drying Rack for bottles (can also be used for baby plates, baby utensils, Haakas, pacifiers, teeters, etc.)
Feeding pillow – we were gifted the Boppy Feeding Pillow and I’m grateful I was gifted it because it’s not something I would have bought but now that I have it I can’t live without it. You can use it when nursing or bottle feeding. It can also double as a tummy time for your little one. I must say it’s a genius invention and really useful
Formula – in case you either can’t or choose not to breastfeed
Below are resources for mommies who are nursing:
La Leche League – this is an online community of mothers all committed to breastfeeding. They meet virtually which is very convenient! Feel free to come prepared with questions as they offer information, support and encouragement
Lactaction consultant – most insurance companies cover lactation consultants. I met with a lactation consultant a few times and found them very useful
Friends and family – I was lucky enough to have both friends and family that supported my breastfeeding journey and answered all my questions no matter how embarrassing they were
I wouldn’t call myself a stationary aficionado or a stationary addict but I can appreciate beautiful stationary. Oh the joys of growing old. One day I’m staring longingly at $2,000 Jacquemus leather mini skirt and the next day (or a few years but whose counting) I’m fawning over fancy stationary. However, contrary to popular belief fancy stationary doesn’t need to be expensive. Enter Basic Invite. There’s nothing basic about Basic Invite (except maybe the prices). Basic Invite is a one stop shop for your stationary needs and with graduation around the corner this could save you a lot of time and a lot of money. They even have announcement cards for graduation and photo graduation thank you cards.
As a mom, I know you have a lot on your plate; let’s not add stationary to it. Basic Invite simplifies your stationary needs. Below are a few of my favorite things about Basic Invite:
There are over 180 color choices – it would be a tragedy to use periwinkle instead of mauve but that won’t happen with Basic Invite!
Custom samples – if you have strong cognitive dissonance, decision fatigue, or commitment issues (or all of the above – I’m not judging) I’m sure you want to see it and feel it before ordering. Basic Invite allows customers to order a printed sample of their actual invitation before they place their final order.
Free envelopes – is it just me or did ‘free’ become my favorite word once I became a mom? Basic Invite orders come with free white peel-and-stick envelopes, ready to be addressed.
Address Capturing Service – You don’t have to worry about sending the wrong card to the wrong person (if only this were around when you sent that nude to your boss instead of your boyfriend or was that just me?!?)… Basic Invite offers a service to make gathering addresses from friends and family a breeze. Share a personalized link on Facebook, X (Twitter), Instagram, through text, or any other media to request friends’ and family’s addresses. Addresses are stored securely in the customer’s account and can be selected for print during the design process.
Foil – nothing says fancy like foil. Foil cards are available in gold, silver, and rose gold.
Good news, Basic Invite is offering 15% off with coupon code: 15FF51
I’m done with decisions. If I have to make one more decision my head is going to explode. I swear I’m going to lose my mind. Since Zoe was born I’ve had to make what feels like endless decisions. From diapers to bottles to wipes to laundry detergent to shampoo. Actually, the decision making started when I got pregnant. From selecting the right hospital to choosing the right doctor, it has felt like I’m riding a never-ending decision train.
It’s quite exhausting and every decision feels like to carries so much weight. Every decision feels so crucial. What if I buy the sunscreen with benzene? What if I buy the oatmeal with heavy metals? What if I buy the toothpaste with fluoride? Sadly a lot of brands that purport to be ‘clean’ are far from it so I need to research EVERYTHING.
Some decisions are bigger than others, such as finding the right pediatrician or hiring a part-time nanny. These are the decisions I do not take lightly. They directly impact the health, happiness and wellbeing of my son.
Other decisions are by nature not as colossal, for example choosing swaddles or burp clothes. But even these require some research. After doing some online reading I found out that the clothing industry is notoriously toxic. With the addition of dyes, formaldehyde, flame retardants, and pesticides it became clear that even clothing was something I had to scrutinize before buying (which is why I try to purchase exclusively 100% certified organic for Zoe, when possible).
I resent my husband for not helping but I also can’t imagine any husband that is taking this on. Why does this all fall on us mommies? We already do so much. I’m sure most mommies can relate. The burden is too much for us. This is the invisible labor that is my burden and my burden alone. While my husband is drifting off to sleep, I’m still scrolling for a BPA free, dishwasher safe, non-toxic teether for my little tot. I’ve never wanted to divorce him more. How could he possibly sleep when we have a laundry list of things that we need to get for Zoe?
I’ve been agonizing over every decision as if I was selecting his future college. The weight of the decisions takes a toll. Choosing a color for my nails at my last pedicure felt like a chore. I’m sick of making decisions.
I wonder if every mother goes through these motions. Does every mother feel this way? The pressure to make the right decision otherwise the entire future trajectory of Zoe’s life will forever change?
What neighborhood will we raise Zoe? Upper West Side? Tribeca? West Village? Or will we venture deeper into Brooklyn? Or perhaps we will migrate further out to Westchester or Long Island. Or will we leave NY altogether? Maybe Jersey or Connecticut? Maybe the east coast isn’t the best upbringing for Zoe. I’ve always wanted to move to Florida but is that what is best for Zoe?
Where will Zoe go for school? Public? Private? I went to public school but my husband went to private school. What is best for Zoe? What is best for our family? We also don’t have unlimited money so we need to look at our finances and budget accordingly.
The decisions my husband and I make now will affect my son for the rest of his life. That feels heavy. That stakes are high. I just want to do the right thing for him. I want to give him all the things I never had. I want him to live a full life. I want him to reflect on his childhood with only happy and fond memories.
I miss the days when the toughest decision I had to make was where I was going to be able to snag a reservation for dinner.
If you’re feeling like me and are completely overwhelmed with all of the decisions we as mommies have to make then let me remind you that you’re not alone. I feel for you. I hear you. I’m right there with you sister.
I’ve compiled a list of ways to make our life a tiny bit easier:
Apps – there are apps that you can download and then take a picture of the barcode of the item you are looking into and they either rate it or give you a grade of the item plus an explanation. One that I particularly like for food and personal care is Yuka
Friends/family – what I have started to do is lean on like-minded friends and family. I have friends/family that are exactly like me and want the very best for their children
Blogs – there are blogs that do the dirty work for you so you can sit back, grab a snack and simply put items directly into your cart knowing they’ve been vetted… hint hint The Mommy Archives!
Delegate – sometimes you just need to ask for help. My husband is great at electronics so I asked him to find the best baby monitor and nanny cameras for us. My father is great with cars so I asked him to look into a new car for me as taking the subway with a toddler plus stroller plus diaper bag has become impossible and I’m sick of relying on taxis/Uber/Lyft
Facebook Groups – I know what you’re thinking, people still use Facebook? The answer is surprisingly yes. There are some really fantastic mommy groups on Facebook that have a plethora of information. And if you don’t see what you’re looking for, feel free to post on the group and women from all over will jump in to help. Don’t worry, you can post annonomously if you’d like. I’m in a few local Mommy Groups and my most recent post was trying to secure a venue for Zoe’s first birthday. They mommies came through and found me a convenient and affordable establishment
Whatever you can do to take the load off yourself will payoff. You certainly can’t do this alone! It will get easier, I promise!
The whole baby market is a complete racket. Don’t get sucked in. Sure if I had a 4 bedroom house with a 2 car garage maybe I’d get all the bells and whistles but I don’t. I have a 1,600 square foot apartment in NYC (which is actually quite big for city standards) and I’d like to take a more minimalistic approach, if possible, because we all know this is just the beginning and the baby stuff will inevitably increase over time. Therefore, I need to be careful with both purchases and gifts.
And I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a bad mom if you don’t buy three thousand baby items. I swear the whole baby industry preys on poor mommies and their mom guilt. You’re an exceptional mommy! You don’t need all the extra clutter! You don’t need all the extra stuff! Let’s focus on what you do need (besides a day at the spa).
I remember when I put my registry together I felt so overwhelmed. I put it off for months until I really couldn’t put it off any longer. Let me help you put together a concise list of items you actually need. I also added commentary on what we selected in each particular category:
Stroller – we thought long and hard on which stroller to buy. Since we live in Manhattan and space is limited we had originally decided that we didn’t want to have two strollers (one for traveling and one for everyday). We purchased the UPPAbaby Minu hoping it would satisfy both needs. I love that the Minu is lightweight and travels so easily (some of the elevators in Europe are so small, our Bugaboo Fox would never have stood a chance). UPPAbaby also has a great warranty – we had a brake issue earlier this year and they sent us a brand new frame without any issues. We’ve traveled to Italy, the UK, Panama and Florida with the UPPAbaby Minu and have no complaints thus far. However, as Zoe got older and bigger and started to have daily stroller strikes we thought maybe it was time for an upgrade. Enter Bugaboo Fox. So far the Bugaboo Fox has been amazing. I’m loving the features. It does take some getting used to as I find the smaller, lighter strollers are more agile. However, there’s no denying that the Bugaboo Fox is a more comfortable ride for Zoe. I also like that it has a much larger storage basket so my grocery runs have been much easier. We also got the wheeled ride on board so when Zoe is sick of sitting in the stroller seat but doesn’t want to walk he’s able to sit or stand on the board. I swore I would never be the mom with multiple strollers but here I am with 2 (or 3 if you count the Doona which brings me to my next item…)
Car seat – Doona Car Seat/Infant Stroller is brilliant. It’s an infant car seat that also doubles as a stroller (all one piece). It’s super convenient, especially for city life
Electric breast pump – I choose the Spectra S1 Plus Pump because I heard it wasn’t painful to use and it has a rechargeable battery so you can pump almost anywhere (I know someone who pumped in the car on her way to/from work). I got most of the pump subsidized by my medical insurance so check with your insurance before purchasing!
Manual pump and milk collector – if you plan on breastfeeding, the Haaka Pump and Ladybug Milk Collectors are essential (I ordered 2 of each). The Haaka pump is a manual pump. The ladybugs are useful milk collectors. Also these products are BPA, PVC and phthalate-free
Crib – we went with the Oeuf Sparrow Crib. Our main criteria was non-toxic and sturdy and the Oeuf checked both boxes. Also, the finishes are non-toxic, water-based and free of VOC health hazards
Mattress – since we went with the Oeuf Crib we selected an Oeuf Mattress. We purchased the Pure & Simple Organic & Natural Crib Mattress. We liked that it was made with 100% certified organic cotton and GREENGUARD certified
Play gym – we purchased the Lovevery Play Gym. I liked that it was something that could grow with our son (it cleverly turns into a tent once your baby outgrows tummy time). It’s very smartly designed with different developmental areas. Also, the products used are safe
Duck thermometer – when you’re going on so little sleep, the last thing you want to do is question if the bath water is the right temperature (I was so sleep deprived I didn’t even trust myself). I purchased this Dreambaby Duck Thermometer a few weeks after the baby was born and loved it. I now travel with it since it’s small and doesn’t take up a lot of space. Ours can also tell the temperature of a room (not just water) which comes in handy. This also doubles as a play toy for my son
Bouncer – the Babybjorn Bouncer is the holy grail of bouncers. This was one of the best gifts we received; the baby loved being in it. I was so sad when he’d outgrown it. Someone gifted us an extra fabric seat cover which at the time I thought was a waste of $100 but I quickly learned how useful the extra fabric cover was
High chair – we got the Mima Moon High Chair and as I much as I loved how smart and sleek it looked in our kitchen I found it a bit annoying to clean. My parents have the Abiie Beyond High Chair for when we visit and after a few months we traded ours out for the Abiie and have been quite happy. It’s also BPA free, latex free, lead free, and phthalate free
Noise machine and night light – the Hatch Rest Noise Machine and Night Light is hands down one of the best gifts we received. It has multiple settings for sounds and light. It even has a time to rise clock for when your baby gets older (you can change the color to help your son/daughter learn when it’s time to wake up). If only they made a noise machine, night light and baby monitor…if anyone wants to launch a start-up with me and take it to Shark Tank you know where to find your girl lol
Baby monitor – speaking of baby monitors, that is another essential. We went with the Owlet. I like the Owlet but it’s an app on my phone which isn’t super convenient for when the nanny is watching the baby so now I need to buy another monitor that comes with a screen. These are the things I didn’t think about when I purchased the items so keep that in mind when you’re selecting your baby monitor
Activity Center – we selected the Skip Hop Silver Lining Cloud Activity Center. This activity center has both sensory and developmental activities. It’s also made to grow with your baby as it turns into a table
Foam mat – we purchased the Wander and Roam Reversible Antelope and Stripe Foam Play Mat. When most mats are obniouxly colorful and tacky, this mat is muted and beautiful. It’s also reversible which is fun when you want to change things up. Plus it’s made with non-toxic (latex, BPA, formamide, and PVC free) TPU foam
Bottles – we ordered a bunch of different bottles but the ones that worked best for us was the Medela Slow Flow (something else that you will learn is that bottle tips vary in the strength of the flow of the milk)
Feeding pillow – we were gifted the Boppy Feeding Pillow and I’m grateful I was gifted it because it’s not something I would have bought but now that I have it I can’t live without it. You can use it when nursing or bottle feeding. It can also double as a tummy time for your little one. I must say it’s a genius invention and really useful
Breast Milk Storage Bags – there are so many of these breast milk storage bags on the market. While this is a fairly inexpensive purchase I would still do research as some reviews I read had leakage issues and the last thing you want is losing precious drops of milk (you’ll be saving every drop as if it was holy water). I purchased the Medela Breast Milk Storage Bags (6oz) and had no issues
Drying rack – we got the Boon Grass Countertop Drying Rack for bottles, baby plates, baby utensils, Haaka’s, pacifiers, teeters, etc.
Formula – in case you either can’t or choose not to breastfeed
Portable diaper changing pad – we purchased the KeaBabies Diaper Changing Pad. There are so many on the market and all pretty much can do the job. I wanted one that was compact, simple, and was machine washable (just think about how dirty the diaper changing stations are at airports and busy restaurants)
Electric nail file – this was one of the best purchases we made. Newborn babies have nails that are somehow razor sharp and require constant care. Electric nail files are efficient and painless. We purchases the Little Martin’s Drawer Electric Nail Trimmer
Thermometer – you will inevitably need a thermometer. We opted for the American Red Cross Deluxe Health and Grooming Kit that came with a thermometer and other baby essentials including a medicine dispenser, brush, and comb. There are a bunch of these kits on the market and you can’t really go wrong. I particularly liked this one because it was BPA free
Disposable diapers – I’ve put off posting this blog post because the diaper research never seems to end for me. I started out with Coterie and while I like them I could never seem to get the subscription right (I either had too many and then my son had moved up a size and we didn’t know what to do with the extra diapers that he had outgrown or we had too little and I was scrambling to locate more diapers at the local Whole Foods which NEVER seemed to have his size in stock). So we then moved on to HealthyBaby which is the only diaper that is EWG verified. That has to count for something right? My advice is definitely do your research on diapers because so many have chlorine, fragrances, dyes, parabens, etc. and you definitely don’t want that for you baby. Also, here’s your reminder to stock up on diapers as you’ll be going through them pretty quickly.
Cloth diapers – when my son was around 1.5 my sister gifted us some cloth diapers and I wish I had started using them sooner. Cloth diapers are definitely more work but not as painful as I thought it would be. I mean I’ve become so desensitized to his poopy diapers that cleaning the cloth diapers isn’t so bad. We have been using the Grovia Diapers and I actually love them and they’re such a money saver – I’ve done the math and believe it or not I’m saving over $100 a month in diapers
Diaper rash cream – we use Earth Mama Organic Diaper Balm. We wanted something clean and organic and this fit the bill. To date, the baby has never gotten a diaper rash
Diaper Pail – there are a lot of fancy diaper pails to choose from but we didn’t think that a diaper pail was something worth splurging on. We got the Dékor Classic Diaper Pail and are quite happy. It’s easy to refill the trash bags and does a good job of controlling the smell because let’s face it, some of those dirty diapers can smell lethal
Wipes – wipes are an absolute necessity. We went with Water Wipes
Bath tub – we purchased the Stokke Flexi Bath Tub in XL. Living in tight quarters, we liked the fact that it folded flat. Also, it has a non-slip base so it’s made safe when your baby starts squirming around. It’s also BPA free
Burp Cloths – trust me when I say you can never have enough burp cloths. We opted for the Burt’s Bee’s Organic Burp Cloths – I liked that they were 100% GOTS certified organic cotton
Baby shampoo and body wash – we were previously using Cerave Baby Wash and Shampoo per the recommendation of our pediatrician and then recently switched to Dr. Bronner’s Pure Castile Liquid Soap since it’s cleaner. While Dr. Bronner’s may be a little pricey you get what you pay for it. Both are good options
Laundry detergent – babies have sensitive skin so I wanted a detergent that was gentle; we alternate between Seventh Generation Free & Clear and Dr. Bronner’s Pure Castile Liquid Soap. So far the baby has not had any issues with these detergents. We also set our washer to double rinse (which I highly recommend – most washers have this setting these days) to ensure that we’re getting all grime, dirt and detergent off
Onesies – you’d be surprised at how many onesies you go through a day during the newborn phase. From diaper blowouts to spit up messes you will need plenty of onesies. I like Burt’s Bees Onesies because they are affordable, great quality and GOTS certified 100% organic cotton
Swaddles – you guessed it – Burt’s Bees again for the win. I do love the brand and you can’t beat the price points for GOTS certified 100% organic cotton. I made sure that we were plenty stocked with Burt’s Bees Swaddles at all times as you’d be surprised how quickly you go through them. I also used the swaddles that they gave us at the hospital – they come in handy in a pinch
Nipple Cream – I used the Lansinoh Lanolin Nipple Cream for no other reason than it was what the hospital provided and it seemed to be sufficient so I continued to purchase that particular brand
I tried to narrow down to the absolute must-have items. Try to enjoy the process! So grab a matcha latte and get to work on that baby registry! You’ve got this!
When I first had Zoe I remember thinking to myself day after day that I did nothing today. I would end each day scanning though my to-do list only to realize that not only did I not cross anything off but I had somehow managed to add to it. My to-do list was growing and so were my anxieties. I would feel guilty for not being more ‘productive.’ What is our society’s obsession with productivity anyway? Why does productivity need to be measured in accomplishments? Maybe we’re measuring productivity all wrong. Or maybe we need to release our focus on productivity as a sign of a successful day.
That’s actually the one thing I miss about my life in corporate America. I miss that feeling of accomplishment and having something to show for a days hard work. Most days as a stay-at-home-mom you have nothing to show for your day yet it was far from easy and far from slow. Most days are busy and active (and sometimes even chaotic).
There are days where I find myself dreading the inevitable question from my husband when he gets home from work: what did you guys do today? Or the follow up question: did you guys leave the apartment today? I mean what’s with the third degree. I don’t need an interrogation. I want to reply: what are you, a cop? But I don’t. I take a few deep breaths and plaster a smile on my face. I know my husband doesn’t mean any harm by his questions but I can’t help but get defensive. I know my husband is genuinely curious and not trying to make me feel bad but I feel shame and guilt nonetheless. Does anyone else find these questions triggering?
And most days when asked what we did I can’t help but feel embarrassed. Some days we have nothing to show for it. Some days I haven’t even gotten dressed. Some days I haven’t even washed my face. Some days I haven’t even brushed my teeth. Some days I haven’t even eaten a solid meal. Sure there are the days when the stars align and I have done the laundry, gotten groceries, and taken Zoe to story time at the library but let’s be honest, those days are few and far in between. Most days are a blur of dirty diapers, Uber Eats, and coffee refills. This is what parenting is. I remind myself that just because my house looks like Hurricane Sandy hit it doesn’t mean I did nothing. I kissed booboos. I wiped away tears. I tickled feet. I changed diapers. Every day my son wakes up healthy and happy is a good day and I’m responsible (at least in part) for that.
It also doesn’t help that on the days that my husband watches the baby alone he somehow manages to pick up groceries, cook a 3 course meal, do laundry, run the dishwasher, and tidy the apartment. I know what you’re thinking: wow father of the year! Not so fast, my son is mostly ignored and not cared for in the same manner that I would care for him. But still, my husband makes it all look effortless and easy. And not to mention he also inevitably makes me look bad in the process. I’m not judging my husband. We simply have different parenting styles. That’s why there is a mom and a dad.
I would much prefer a house that looks like a bomb went off than a neglected son. I want to be an active mother. A mother who plays with him. A mother who reads books to him. A mother who sings nursery rhymes to him. A mother who plays peekaboo with him. A mother who is present.
And when Zoe is older and all grown up I highly doubt he will look back at his childhood with disgust because the house wasn’t perfectly tidy. He will remember the cozy afternoons reading books. He will remember the lazy mornings helping his mom scramble eggs. He will remember the silly evenings playing music and dancing in the kitchen together. He will remember the magical moments where nothing else mattered in the world but him and his needs.
Now when I look at my growing to-do list I try not to get bothered by it. Those items can wait. That list is not a priority. I can try to tackle the list again tomorrow. And if tomorrow comes and I haven’t made any headway then that’s okay too. The to-list can wait. What we all need is some self love and compassion. We need to stop beating ourselves up. We need to stop trying to be perfect. We need to stop passing judgement on ourselves. We need to release the societal pressure. We need to remind ourselves that we’re doing the best that we can. And our best is good enough.
I know only too well that one day soon Zoe will be in school and be consumed in after school actives such a soccer and tennis and I will have time that I won’t even know what to do with. I will be able to cook every meal from scratch, I will be able to sew his Halloween costume by hand, I will be able to keep the apartment tidy and pristine. One day soon I will miss these beautiful chaotic days. So please don’t wish these days away.
I may not have gotten to the laundry. I may not have cooked a solid meal. I may not have put away the toys. I may not have emptied out the diaper pail. I may not have even left the apartment. But what I did do is so much more important in the grand scheme of things. I rocked my son to sleep. I made sure my son was fed. I bathed my son. I made sure my son felt loved. I kept my son happy. I kept my son safe. And that is not nothing. In fact, it’s everything.
So we’ve been living in Brooklyn for a few months now and I am completely sold. Brooklyn is such a vibe. It’s like living on Sesame Street in the middle of a metropolis. Everyone is friendly and young. The landscape is a stark contrast to Manhattan where the buildings are mostly skyscrapers; the buildings here aren’t massive so you get good light which I love. We live in North Williamsburg and it’s quite safe; I’ve never felt scared or vulnerable (I’m also generally home by 8:00pm so not sure what goes on later on in the evenings lol). Also, the nearest subway stop to us (the Bedford Avenue station stop on the L train) is wheelchair accessible and has an elevator (meaning it’s stroller friendly).
My Brooklyn babe also loves his new neighborhood. As a mother of an energetic, active toddler being cooped up at home is torture so I’ve rounded up some activities to do in the area. The ones that have commentary are the classes that I have personally attended with Zoe.
If you don’t live under a rock you’ve probably already heard of Purposeful Play. Purposeful Play is THE class to enroll your mini in and certainly the local favorite (its definitely the most trendy/popular class around). It’s basically a right of passage into motherhood in Brooklyn. First, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: if you email the owner, Michelle Tiflinsky, you can do drop-ins which is amazing because a) I have commitment issues and b) what if my energetic son hates it? Turns out he didn’t – he actually ended up loving it and so I signed him up for the entire series but if you’re like me and are on the fence email Meesh.
Now let’s dive into the actual class. Michelle has cracked the code. She’s entertaining, fun, bubbly and just a pleasure to be around. Think Ms. Rachel vibes. I also recognized a lot of her songs from Ms. Rachel greatest hits soundtrack (don’t judge me – I have to use the screen on occasion to maintain my sanity). Michelle makes you feel like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten and treats your child like her own. She really is a lovely person. Also, Michelle is a pediatric occupation therapist so knows a thing or two about minis.
Brian is wonderful – with the use of his guitar, puppets, and sign language he is quite engaging – it’s no wonder families flock to his music classes! They’re very popular and I can certainly see why! When the going class rate in this neck of the woods is quite exorbitant, it’s refreshing to find a class that doesn’t break the bank. I also love that you can simply show up and not have to worry about registering in advance. He has multiple offerings at both McCarren Park and Sparsa. I’ve only attended McCarren Park so I can’t speak to the other venue but we’ve gone a few times and had a blast. And when class was over we let Zoe run around the park.
They encourage you to register but we never did and it was never a problem. Our first time was by chance, we were on our way to the swings when we stumbled right into Tot Time and they welcomed us with open arms. They have a lot of little activity areas: a sensory bin, shelves with books to read, paper and crayons, etc.. The first half is essentially free play and the second half is story time and songs. It’s all free which is excellent. Unfortunately this doesn’t continue past October due to weather. I would check back in the spring and see when it resumes because it’s a nice way to spend the morning.
So when I heard about A Rosie Day we were entering the fall and I didn’t want to commit for two reasons: 1) it’s a bit of a walk for me (we live right next to Marsha P Johnson Park and while I don’t mind the stroll my son will have a meltdown if he’s in the stroller for longer than 15 minutes and 2) as we’re entering the fall season it will inevitably get colder and colder and A Rosie Day is held outside at McCarren Park so that can get tricky depending on the weather. I instead chose to attend the pop-ups. So this class was quite different in nature than the other classes I have attended; it was a more open-ended approach. The other classes are a bit more formal and structured. While this is quite different I want to be clear that I by no way mean that in a bad way. I loved it and my son had the time of his life. I also think that some of the other structured classes are quite loud, rushed, and over stimulating so this was a nice change of pace. For the class we attended the instructor, Rose, had set up a bunch of different stations for the children to play at their own pace. She offered plenty of options including a painting station, sensory bins, water activities and much more. I will say I loved how she just allowed the children to use their imagination and wander around at their leisure. I would also like to mention that Rose is a peach – I adore her and her energy! We will certainly be back and I appreciate the pop-ups!
Let me start by saying the first class is free which I appreciated because these children’s classes really add up. Songs for Seeds was both interactive and fun! They hand out instruments to the children so everyone can get involved. They also incorporate numbers and learning which I found very clever. With songs such as ‘Uptown Girls’ and ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ even I found myself dancing like nobody’s watching! Another thing I really like about Songs for Seeds is you don’t have to commit to the entire semester, simply per month which I love because in this day and age momma needs flexibility.
So the class I attended was for sitting-toddling 7-18 months. My son was 18 months (about to turn 19 months) at the time I took him and the first thing I thought when I entered the room was that I was at the wrong class as all of the children were a lot younger than him. There were fun props for the children to play with (bowls, spoons, whisks, steering wheel), puppets, and of course music. My son thoroughly enjoyed it but I think he might be a bit too old for the class. That being said if your child is 18 months or younger please check it out! Another huge bonus is you don’t have to commit to the entire semester or year, simply per month which I love because in this day and age momma needs flexibility. Similarly to Songs for Seeds, you pay per month which this modern momma can certainly appreciate.
This class is currently held at The Wild and I was excited to finally try a class at this establishment. The Wild is storefront that hosts classes in their back room. The classes all seem very nice and age appropriate for Zoe, however, The Wild is almost a mile from our home so getting there is a mission (I literally had to carry Zoe there and the only way I got him to sit in his stroller on the way back home was with lots of snacks and me singing ‘Baby Shark’ at the top of lungs). I immediately loved the concept of this class because 1) Zoe LOVES reading books, 2) the benefits of reading are profound: supported cognitive development, improved language skills, increased concentration, improved imagination, and the list goes on and 3) getting a spot at story time at the public library is akin to getting into the Hermes annual sample sale so this is certainly a great alternative. Zoe loved the class! Caroline has games, music and of course reading (Zoe was on the edge of his seat during the reading portion). We went on the Monday before Halloween and I loved how she infused the holiday spirit into the class. If you’re not yet sold, the price is also a bargain.
Space is the newest play space to hit the scene and it is truly spectacular. The attention to detail is impeccable. The owner and visionary, CJ Hendry, is an artist and if you’ve had the opportunity to check this spot out that will come as no surprise (think Chuck E. Cheese meets MoMA). Space is an indoor playground where you can bring your minis to run around; they also offer classes, however, those are for members only. We loved it so much we became a member and have already attended a few of their classes (music, beading, and art) which is a nice perk. The monthly membership isn’t cheap but it’s also not super expensive and they’re running a promotion for new members at the moment. Their big selling point is that Space is open 365 days a year. Yes, that is correct, 365 days including holidays! You know where I will be New Years Day lol. Also, they’re open 8am-6pm which is a welcome change from the other play spaces that typically open at 10am and close at 5pm (with even more reduced hours on weekends and holidays). My son absolutely loves this play space and the added bonus is he leaves completely wiped out and usually falls asleep in his stroller on our walk home. I can go on and on about Space but I will wrap it up with this: Space is very thoughtfully designed an example of which is the calming blue room with gigantic star shaped pillows (I even caught a mommy nursing her baby there which was such a beautiful sight to see).
I’ve heard great things about Jazz Baby Music and it did not disappoint. I signed us up for the class at Talea – the venue was nothing like I envisioned. I thought it would be a stale, dark and woodsy brewery with an industrial aesthetic however it was an open, bright, welcoming space and very toddler friendly. Mariella is the founder of Jazz Baby Music and she was terrific! She sang a range of music – everything from ‘L-O-V-E’ to ‘Wheels on the Bus.’ She passed out fun props such as scarves, shakers, tambourines and more. Mommy was able to sip her coffee and enjoy a pastry while Zoe was sufficiently entertained which was a lovely treat (no pun intended).
We attended the class at the Wild and it was a nice experience! Audra, an actress and singer, has been doing this for over 25 years so she’s no novice. She asked the parents and nannies to limit the use of their phone which I appreciated because some of these classes are filled with stage moms/stage nannies who just have their phone out the whole time recording what feels like every second. She sang a lot of songs that I’ve actually never heard but were catchy and cute enough! She did play ‘One Love’ by Bob Marley which was obviously the highlight of the class for me! Audra has been crowned by Time Out NY Kids the “Queen of the NY Kids Rock Scene” and has been featured on Nickelodeon & Sesame Street so I’d definitely check it out if you have any interest.
Friends of Phonics is a lovely class that incorporates singing, sensory play and of course reading. Zoe and I both loved this class – it was educational yet fun. Friends of Phonics is led by Alex Beviss who is a Literacy Specialist and former teacher. Each class focuses on a letter of the alphabet and that specific letter and sound is the theme of the entire class. The goal of the class is to introduce phonics and reading skills in a fun and engaging way and she certainly succeeded! We loved it so much we signed up for an entire package! Alex offers drop-ins (if there is availability) or you can simply buy a package (don’t worry the packages are only 5-6 classes which is quite manageable).
I’ve been dying to try this class because it’s so important to me that my son learns Spanish, however, I’ve hesitated because the times offered cut a little too close to Zoe’s nap. The Wriggle offered a free trial class so I jumped at the opportunity. The instructor, Karina Voces, uses the Montessori approach to her class by teaching phonetics, the alphabet, and sounds in a fun way (learning through play). Let me start with the pros: I loved that the class was entirely in Spanish! I had no clue what Karina was saying but it all appeared quite educational and instructional. Karina was lively and seemed to have more energy than some of the children! The class was quite interactive and she engaged with the children. I also liked that the class is for such a wide age range (6 months to 6 years) – I love being able to plan class playdates with friends whose children are much older or much younger than my son. Now I’ll dive in to the cons. Karina passed around instruments and when she collected them midway through the class my son broke down crying yet she insisted he hand it over. Just give the damn guitar to my son, Karen… I mean Karina. Why not just maintain the peace and retrieve the guitar at the end of class? I had to remove my son from the class multiple times because he was crying so hard. My other con is that the times the classes are offered are not ideal for a toddler’s schedule.
I’m not big on play spaces since we have a play room in our building and currently have a membership to Space in Greenpoint but I’m a sucker for these local kid classes and the Play Lab is running a class on Tuesday’s called ‘Science for Tots’ that I keep seeing on Instagram and figured I’d take Zoe. Zoe has been to the Play Lab quite a lot when daddy is on baby duty but never with me. Zoe was too excited by the play space to appreciate the science class; he literally lasted a total of 5 minutes (he’s not even 2 years old and already ditching class…). The Play Lab is fantastic – It’s like brunch and Barry’s Boot Camp for toddlers: kids run around the space and then end their visit in the little seating area in the front where they sit either at the table or in their high chairs to enjoy their snack/lunch before heading home for what most likely will be an excellent nap. I love the space – it’s tidy, clean, and cozy. We arrived at 9:15am for the class and by 10:30am it was packed but not overwhelmingly so. The Play Lab is a Montessori inspired play space with a cute little treehouse right in the center. It has everything from a mini market to a climbing wall. My son loved it so much that he had the meltdowns of all meltdowns when I tried to get him to leave. To be fair, he was overly tired, hungry and having the time of his life. He threw one of the biggest tantrums of his life and had people gawking. Two kind mommies came up to me to help – that’s how bad it was. By the end of his tantrum I was crying. It was quite embarrassing so next time I go I’ll have to wear sunglasses, a wig and go by a new name but I will certainly be back. My son passed out in the stroller on our walk home so that just goes to show how exhausted he was (stroller naps are rare these days). I think it’s interesting that they don’t offer monthly memberships – just day passes and annual passes.
So I was out of ideas for what to do for my son’s 2nd birthday and had narrowed it down to Space, the Play Lab or Twinkle (all of the play spaces in our neighborhood). His actual birthday fell on a Monday and I wanted it to be special and fun for him. Since we already have a membership to Space and he’s been to Play Lab quite a lot I decided to take him to Twinkle and I’m so happy I did! It’s similar to the other play spaces in design (slides, canopy walkways, etc) but it’s also different with some nice/unexpected twists. Zoe had a great time enjoying every aspect from the tree house to the life size fire truck to the water table vortex (pro tip: bring a change of clothes as Zoe got quite wet). Twinkle play space is the perfect blend of physical play, fantasy, and science! They offer different packages and we loved it so much we bought a package so we’ll be back soon!
I wasn’t going to post about this because it’s certainly not in line with the other establishments but I’m not one to gate keep so here goes… So you’ll first need to lower your standards to prepare yourself for the McCarren Tots Program. Have you lowered them? Okay lower them some more lol. The McCarren Tots Program is held at the McCarren Park Recreation Center and is a far contrast from the trendy, fancy classes I usually take Zoe to. But it’s convenient, indoors and with an unbeatable price of $50 for a 6 month membership. No, that is not a typo. $50 for SIX months. The Tots Program has open play every weekday from 9am-11:30am in a large space that reminds me of my high school gym – it’s a big basketball court that they have repurposed into a gym area for the children complete with a kids basketball hoop, cones, hula-hoops, and foam climbers. Sometimes they have additional activities such as a story time or a coloring session where they provide paper and crayons. It’s not the most structured or organized but you get what you pay for. Zoe loved the big open space to run around and we plan to go weekly during the cold winter months when we simply need an indoor activity to fill our morning. The program is designed for children from 1-5 years old but I would recommend it for walkers (I’m not sure where you would put the crawlers). They’re currently running soccer and painting classes in the afternoons and weekends but those have an expiration date and not sure if they will extend them or introduce new classes. Now let’s be honest, the classes in the area can be quite costly – that’s why I love to balance them with something such as this Tots Program. Honestly, in this neighborhood it’s GREAT value!
So I tried to do story time and was unfortunately turned away because it was full. I got there at 10:15am for the 10:30am class and all 18 spots were already taken plus they had a waitlist going so definitely go early. To be honest I have a bone to pick with the library because I don’t mind getting there early and waiting but what toddler is going to put up with that? They really need to find a more systematic approach – I know other libraries do a sign in online, it is the 21st century after all but you wouldn’t know it based on their archaic approach to signing up.
Please feel free to give my Instagram account a follow! I host coffee meet-ups and other local events that are fun and free such as ‘Tarot and Tie-Dye’ and ‘Bubbles and Leather.’ Also, drop your email and subscribe so you don’t miss out on any upcoming events!
Feel free to check these places out! My frustration with some of the establishments here is that they don’t offer drop-ins. This isn’t tuition, I don’t have the emotional capacity to commit to 15 sessions at this point in my life. So hopefully the establishments will adapt for the modern family and let you pay per class.
I feel so very fortunate to have so many activities available for my son to enjoy. We attend about 3 classes per week. When we’re not in classes, we’re at one of the many beautiful parks in the area or on a play date with a local mommy and/or daddy.
Feel free to message me directly if you have any questions about particular classes or play spaces – I love discussing this topic!
If you’re considering moving to Williamsburg I highly recommend it. It’s a microcosm where I feel like I’m living in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood!
When I turned 30 my life fell apart. I always thought that when I entered my 30’s I’d have my life all figured out. I thought I’d be happily married with 3 kids and a toy poodle. I thought I’d have the 5 bedroom Victorian house with the 2 car garage and the white picket fence. I thought I’d have my own business that I was passionate about and not be a slave to corporate America. I thought I’d be living my truth outside of New York and finally gotten out of the rat race. But the reality turned out to be quite the opposite. At 30 I was still living in New York City, working for a demanding company, and with someone romantically who I wasn’t sure if we even had a future together. Looking back I think the Universe wanted to shake things up for me.
I turned 30 and shortly thereafter got laid off from my job and dumped by my boyfriend. Neither of which I saw coming. Both were totally unexpected and huge bruises to my ego. I was at an all time low and found myself with extra time on my hands so decided to do some soul searching. I took a trip to Dubai with 4 of my girlfriends in hopes of having an ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ moment but instead it was more of a Sex in the City 2 vibe. I returned to NYC more lost than ever before. After some persuasion from a friend, I decided to explore meditation. I fell in love with meditation. A friend had previously recommended the local Kadampa Meditation Center and I started going weekly. If you have one nearby, I cannot recommend it enough. The speakers are brilliant, charismatic, relatable and so welcoming. Kadampa got me hooked on guided meditation. Shortly thereafter I started exploring different meditation avenues and tried Transcendental Meditation (TM) which is a more advanced meditation.
Guided meditation is a type of meditation that is led by a teacher or practitioner. Guided meditations may include oral instructions about mindfulness, attention to the breath, body scanning techniques, and guided imagery or visualization. Guided meditations are usually structured and follow a relatively simple format.
Transcendental Meditation (TM) is meditation where you silently repeat a word or ‘mantra’ over and over again. You generally only need to say the mantra when you are distracted with thoughts. When you experience a distraction in the form of thoughts, images, sounds, or body sensations, you return to repeating your mantra.
The benefits of meditation are limitless. So many studies have effectively proved the benefits of meditation. The benefits are not simply in the form of mental health but also your physical well-being. To name a few, the benefits of meditation are reduced stress, improved sleep quality, increased focus, strengthened immune system, reduced anxiety, improved memory, and so much more. Even a few minutes a day can have a profound effect. For me, meditation feels like a massage for my brain; I don’t know how else to describe it.
Finding time to meditate before I had a son was hard enough. But finding time now is near impossible. However, I’ve noticed that when I do carve out the time to mediate now I am a much better version of myself and I’m a much better mother. I’m lighter, I’m calmer, I’m happier. I’m wiser. I’m kinder. I’m more empathetic. I’m more authentic. I’m more available. I’m more patient.
Now is when I can benefit from meditation the most. I think I’ve been avoiding meditating because when I’m not tending to the baby I feel like I should be doing doing doing. Doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing household chores, etc. There is this constant need to stay busy, however, in stillness is where I find clarity in peace.
There are so many resources available to you. A few that I’ve used and loved are the following:
MWH Fitness + Wellness app – Melissa Wood Health blew up during the Pandemic due to the ease and accesabillty of her app. For $9.99 a month (or $99 annually) you get access to a library of meditations as well as workouts. Feel free to try the 7 day free trial for new members
Insight Timer – this is an app that I’ve been using on and off for free for years (there are also in-app purchases). There are so many amazing meditations to use depending on your needs. From anxiety to deep sleep, they have such a good variety and I’m sure you’ll be able to find what you’re looking for
Gabby Bernstein Miracle Membership – for $114 for 6 months or $190 for 12 months you can be a Miracle Member; this app has hundreds of meditations as well as weekly coaching, quarterly challenges, and workshops
Headspace – this is probably the most popular meditation app, for $12.99 per month (with a 7 day free trial period) or $69.99 annually (with a 14 day free trial period) you have hundreds of meditations at your fingertips. Headspace is a leader in mindfulness and meditation through its user friendly app and online content offerings
Netflix – Headspace: Guide to Meditation – if you already have a Netflix membership (with plans starting at $6.99 per month) then you can access this meditation series. The series spans eight episodes taking viewers through the benefits and science behind meditation. Personally, I really enjoyed it
Kadampa Center – as mentioned above, the Kadampa Meditation Center is a great resource for New Yorkers. Most classes cost anywhere between $10-$15 per session for in-person classes (which is a bargain in NYC). Most major cities have Kadampa Meditation Centers so please google it and see if there is one near you. Additionally, during the Pandemic, they introduced online courses (some as little as $5 per session) so if you don’t have a Kadampa Meditation Center nearby, online is a great option
As you can see, you can attend special meditation centers or group classes. But you can also practice meditation just as easily on your own from the comfort of your home by using an app.
I’ve even heard about mommy and me meditation classes. I think Zoe might be a bit young for it but I look forward to when he’s old enough to join in on the fun. Starting him off early will hopefully create a solid foundation for him.
I highly recommend meditating. And if that doesn’t work, tequila has never let me down lol.
I’m going to try to start a blog series about the books that I’m reading. Ideally I’d like to commit to reading 1 book per month but I’m lucky if I can get 1 podcast in per month these days so that might not be the most realistic goal (and please don’t hold me to it). These posts won’t be as long as my usual posts. Simply mini reviews/commentary on the latest book I’ve read.
Now please don’t expect anything cerebral or highbrow (unless you consider Gone Girl academic). I’m not about to read War and Peace or anything. My tired little brain is looking for some easy reads that are captivating and fun.
After a year postpartum I started reading again. I really missed it – I love that feeling of getting lost in a good book. Additionally, I didn’t want my son to see my on my phone all the time. Every time I had the compulsion to reach for my phone I instead made an effort to reach for the latest book I was reading (I didn’t always succeed, sometimes unbeknownst to me my hands simply latched on to my phone – they seem to have a mind of their own). Sometimes when Zoe is independently playing and I’m reading my book I will actually read out loud so as to expose him to the vocabulary.
I frequent the local library pretty often; I take Zoe there for story time and usually grab a few books for him as I’m constantly shuffling the books we keep at home. Since I’m already there almost weekly I decided to start checking out some books for myself as well. The public library is a great resource for books if you’re like me and not much of a collector (I think Marie Condo would approve of my new minimalistic approach).
There are a few things I’ve noticed now that I have started reading. First, my screen time has gone down which is wonderful. Scrolling Instagram is doing nothing for me. It’s actually probably killing my brain cells. Second, I’ve been reading before going to bed (as opposed to watching tv or scrolling on my phone) and lately I’ve been able to fall asleep much quicker. Sometimes I struggle with falling asleep and will take a Gaba vitamin to help me fall asleep but lately I haven’t needed to. Third, it feels nice that I’m able to do something for myself. It’s about as close to self care as I’m going to get during my son’s waking hours.
I’m sure you’re aware of the many benefits of reading and a quick google search yields so many results. But if you need further convincing I will highlight a few reasons why you should get to your local library or bookstore asap and read with me!
Improve memory and concentration – reading can help improve your memory. Studies have shown that people who read regularly can better recall information when needed. Say no more, my mommy brain could use this! We live in an age where we have tons of distractions. we can’t even have a fluid creative flow in our thoughts without a distraction. A text. An email. A co-worker. A call. We can’t even follow our thoughts. We can’t even follow our distractions. I can very much relate to this. I will be washing dishes when I hear my phone chime. I go to read/reply to the tex but then hear Zoe whine and leave the dishes and phone behind. I think we could all use some help in the concentration department
Stress and anxiety reduction – studies have shown that reading can help reduce stress levels. The reason being is that when you read, your body relaxes and your mind is preoccupied with the story therefore reducing stress and anxiety levels
Improve your sleep quality – reading before bed can help improve your sleep because, as mentioned above, reading helps relax your body and mind. I’ve certainly noticed a difference in my sleep and I take my beauty sleep very seriously
Vocabulary expansion – when you develop the habit of reading you expand your vocabulary by introducing your self to new words and concepts. Maybe this will help me say ‘umm’ and ‘like’ less
Reading teaches you new things – books are an excellent way to learn new information. From science to history you can learn about any topic that interests you. Now I personally won’t be able to give you summary of the fall of the great Ottoman Empire, those are not the types of books I’m interested in
Improves your writing skills – reading has been known to improve your writing skills because when you read you are exposed to different styles of writing. That’s an important skillset for me as a blogger. While you may think that’s not a useful skill set for you just think about how many emails you send out per day/week/month. I’m sure you could benefit from this skill as well
Reading gives you a sense of accomplishment – reading provides a sense of accomplishment because you have completed something that is challenging and rewarding. If reading your monthly horoscope forecast fills you with a sense of accomplishment, imagine what a book can do?
And this is a mommy blog after all so I’d also like to encourage your to please read with your little mini me. Doctors recommend that parents read with their children beginning as early as infancy. Reading with your children builds happy associations with books and will therefore increase the likelihood that your kids will find reading enjoyable in the future. Reading at home boosts school performance. It also increases vocabulary, builds communication skills, and raises self-esteem. I remember when Zoe was a newborn, I would read to him while he sat in his Babybjorn Bouncer. Now he loves reading and will sit with me in our reading corner daily. Oftentimes when he’s independently playing I find him flipping through the pages of his books. I hope he will continue to share my love for books. I’m also secretly looking forward to the day when I can read him some of my childhood favorites such as the Harry Potter series.
I hope that I have been able to convince you to read a bit more. If you’re pressed for time, perhaps you can devote a few minutes daily to a blog… I would, of course, highly recommend The Mommy Archives but I’m clearly biased.
I know in my relationship the responsibility of Zoe is far from 50/50. And I understand that it shouldn’t be 50/50 in our relationship. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband takes on the financial responsibilities of the household so I know until I go back to work full-time we will never be a 50/50 relationship. But do 50/50 relationships exist???!
I’m not just referring to time spent taking care of the baby. Maybe for working mom’s the time spent with the baby is 50/50. But what about everything else? What about the mental labor? What about the invisible labor? I just can’t quite imagine any of my friend’s husbands buying the diapers. My husband doesn’t even know what size of diapers Zoe wears these days. Or ordering the wipes. Or picking out perfectly curated outfits. Am I the only mommy doing all of the shopping related to the baby? My husband can’t even buy clothes for himself, let alone the baby. And what about doctor’s appointments? You’re telling me there are daddies out there making doctor’s appointments for their children? I don’t even think my husband gets his teeth cleaned annually. Who is packing the babies personal effects when they go on vacation? I need answers!
My husband has never once thought to turn something over and look at the ingredients. Meanwhile I’m up at 1am reading the labels of the baby shampoo before hitting purchase on Amazon. Also, all my friends are scouting summer camps and researching schools to send their kids to. It’s quite complex and competitive in NYC. Are you telling me there are dads out there that know which coveted districts to live in to ensure a spot at a top tier school? The only PS my husband knows about is the PlayStation. For my non-New Yorkers out there PS stands for public school and navigating the public school system is akin to getting into the CIA.
Even before the baby was born, the relationship wasn’t 50/50. Who do you think put the baby registry together? My husband? No. And who carried the baby for nine long and hard months? Obviously me. Who was running all around town for gestational tests and chromosome screenings? Not my husband. I didn’t even ask him to come to most of the doctor’s appointments because I didn’t want to inconvenience him. Maybe that’s where the imbalance started.
I would say in my relationship it’s more like 95/5 (to clarify 95% of the responsibility is on me, 5% on my husband). 5% sounds rather low and I’m sure he would disagree but I’m also counting not just days but the nights. When the baby wakes up at 3am, who do you think is getting up to check on him? Hubs? Hard no. It’s momma bear. Always. So when you factor in nights as well I think I’m actually being generous by designating his contribution as 5%.
Am I doing too much? What’s fair? Should I be asking more of my husband? I can’t help but think that maybe I am doing too much. If I had gone back to work wouldn’t the evenings and weekends be a shared responsibility? They’re most certainly not. My husband gets home anywhere between 6:30-8pm and then helps out here and there but I bear the brunt of the work. Also he works 6 days a week. It’s a lot of work on me. I think for stay-at-home mom’s the responsibility of the children should be closer to 75/25. It’s simple math. There are 168 hours in a week and an average work week is 45 hours (45 divided by 168 equals 76% actually but to make it easier let’s just say 75%). If you look at it like that then I’m certainly contributing too much.
I guess I need to decide what is fair for myself and my relationship. Does 95/5 work for everyone? Probably not. Does it work of us at this point in our lives? It works for now. Do I wish I had more help? Sure but my husband does’t work 5 days a week, he works 6 days a week so these are the cards I was dealt.
If you’re a working mommy and have a truly 50/50 relationship then you’ve found a unicorn. Hold on tight to him. If you’re a stay-at-home mommy and have a 75/25 relationship, you won the husband lottery! Congratulations! Throw on some lingerie later, he deserves it lol.
After pondering this for awhile I took a poll of my girlfriends and from what I gathered no working mom felt like their relationship was 50/50 and no stay-at-home mom felt like their relationship was 75/25. All of my girlfriends (both stay-at-home moms and working moms) felt that they did more with the exception of one person.
One of my working mom’s had a very interesting take on this discussion. She said that her and her husband choose to not think of it as who is doing more or less at any given time. They just both actively show up. She said that today she might have done more but next week she has a work trip to Europe and expects her husband to fill in the gaps. I’ve actually always thought their relationship was strong/solid so maybe she was onto something. Maybe I’m thinking about it all wrong. Maybe I need to stop taking score and just view my husband and I as a cohesive team working towards the same goals. I know I couldn’t do it without my husband and even on the days where his help is limited, I still appreciate it.
My friend also said that prior to getting pregnant they discussed their partnership and the division of labor quite extensively. All we discussed extensively were baby names. Looking back I do wish we had sat down and really discussed our future together. They had raw discussions of what their life would look like with children and their expectations of themselves and of each other. Expectations of herself as a wife and as a mother and expectations of her partner as a husband and as a father and vice versa. Honestly I was blown away. She should write a book. It would be a bestseller in no time. This is a very mature and pragmatic way of viewing the relationship.
One of my stay-at-home mommies had great advice. She said that her and her husband try to do date nights together as much as possible (at the very least once per month) and she will put together a list of items she wants to discuss with him before the date and make sure to address them all throughout the night. You better believe next date night I’m coming in hot with an agenda, bullet points, a PowerPoint presentation and action items for my husband lol.
Another friend mentioned I read ‘How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids’ by Jancee Dunn. Clearly I’m not the only one harboring these thoughts. Stay tuned for a review on this book!
My intentions in writing this post is not for you to hate your spouse or turn you against him. I wanted to write this post to recognize all that you do as a mom and celebrate you! You are doing a wonderful job! We’re all in this together!
Three months into my maternity leave I was told by my boss that my job was being eliminated due to an internal restructuring. I didn’t see it coming. I thought my boss had scheduled the meeting to discuss my return to the office. I was completely blindsided. I was shocked, angry, upset, embarrassed, and frustrated. But if I was being honest with myself I also felt a tiny sense of relief. I was already dreading returning to work. We didn’t have family nearby so I would have had to either put Zoe in day care or hire a full time nanny. I couldn’t imagine leaving Zoe with total stranger especially when he was so little. I couldn’t fathom balancing work (which at times consisted of 80 hour work weeks) and motherhood.
Conversely, I liked the idea of having my own money. My father was the breadwinner and sole provider and I saw how imbalanced my parents relationship was. It’s like the old saying goes: nothing is free; you pay for it somehow. In my parents case, I watched my dad make all the important decisions and my mother have very little say. Where are we spending our summer holiday? What neighborhood are we moving to? What house are we going to live in? Sadly my mother had very little input. I didn’t want that for myself.
I also wanted my own money. I want to be able to walk into Chanel and buy a purse (or a few) and not have anyone questioning my financial decisions. Maybe its because I’ve been so fiercely independent all my life. I just knew that having a ‘side hustle’ as the kids call it would be good for me. Being a stay-at-home mom would still be my main ‘job’ and priority but I’d like to have something else I was working towards.
Also, what if things don’t work out between myself and Zoe’s father? Wouldn’t it be imprudent of me to not have any income source? Wouldn’t I be doing my son (and myself) a disservice by becoming 100% dependent on his father? I hate to think this way but the realities of marriage are grim: approximately 50% of all marriages end up in divorce or separation. I need to think of Zoe and what is best for him. It’s no longer just me. I have a son that I need to think about. He comes first.
Additionally, I wanted something to call my own. Since my group of girl friends became mothers a few became stay-at-home moms, however, most pivoted in their careers: one became a real estate agent, one started her own interior decorating firm, and one started a recruiting agency. I so desperately wanted my own purpose outside of being a mommy but what??!?! My options felt limited. Should I sell pictures of my toes (kidding… kind of)? Start an OnlyFans page (definitely kidding)? Should I start an Amazon business? Trade crypto? Become a day trader? Maybe I should find an easy 9-5 job? I suppose I could give up Wall Street for the warm embrace of a government job?
After racking my brain for months and months I decided to start this blog. I liked the autonomy and flexibility. I could write whenever I had pockets of free time during the day. I liked that I didn’t have a boss to report to. I had the space to create when my schedule allowed. If we went on vacation or my son got sick I could simply skip a few days or even weeks and pick up right where I left off. I also loved the opportunity to be creative. I’m a Pisces and have always considered myself a creative creature. I’ve always loved writing and journaling has been something I’ve done for years. I figured if my blog failed as a business then at least it would be a creative outlet for me.
I also liked the idea of helping others. Motherhood can be a bumpy ride and I wanted to be there for other mommy’s. I certainly found the transition into motherhood quite daunting and I wish I had known that I wasn’t alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child but not everyone has a village. Not everyone has a strong support system. Not everyone has friends/family to lean on. I want to be an extension of your village. I want you to be able to lean on me and come to me when you need some advice or a good laugh. I want to be your go-to virtual mommy friend. I truly mean that. Please feel free to contact me via email or DM. I’m here for you!
Once I started blogging I immediately loved it. It became quite cathartic. I spent all my free time (which was limited since I was chasing after an energetic 1 year old all day long) brainstorming and writing. Every evening I would put my son to sleep and then race to my desk and either write in my journal or type on my laptop (depending on my mood). This blog was my passion project and I went all in. I’m not sure what will become of it or how it will evolve but for now I’m enjoying the ride and grateful for my readers! So thank you for reading and thank you for your support! I appreciate you! You make this possible for me!
If you can relate to this story, I’m sorry that you had to go through this but trust that something better is in store for you! I would not have been happy working 80 hour work weeks and being away from my son. I would not have been happy missing out on family activities because I had a deadline. I would not have enjoyed missing bed time because of a pressing deliverable.
I plan to write a step by step guide on how to actually create a blog and do a deep dive into the logistics and finances behind it. Please let me know if that is something that you’d be interested in!
